Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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