jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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