I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
