my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
