So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
