Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
did i walk over a car last night?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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