go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
