He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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