Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
my liver is dry heaving
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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