dude i'm inner monologue high
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
