Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
