Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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