just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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