Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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