My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
