If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
