Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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