how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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