I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
