I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We just shotgunned beers for America
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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