Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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