Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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