I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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