GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
