I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
