i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
