"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
