I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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