Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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