____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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