It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
