I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
