She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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