She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
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I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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