i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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