like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
