someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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