I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I understand Curling. That high.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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