believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
