you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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