i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
