Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
