his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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