everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
