He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
