The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
