I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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