I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize