Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
