Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
