Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
