The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
