what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
