This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
